So it's been over a year since I've posted on here. I don't even know which of my friends still do this. I have some things on my mind that I guess I would like some advice on, but I'm not comfortable enough to put it on Facebook for the whole world to see. So I turn to you, my old LJ friends. Whoever is left. I think I may start using this medium more often. I realize now how much I miss it.

So here it goes...

I love Eric Larson.

Puffy, the boy I dated my sophomore year of high school. The first boy I ever said I love you to. We dated for a month and a half and then he left to march drum corps. When he got back, he broke up with me. It took me a long time to stop being angry, but we've been friends for a long time now.

I've "dated" several guys since Eric and had my first "serious" relationship last semester. That didn't turn out so well. I got really hurt, tarnished my reputation and nearly failed chemistry because of dating that guy.

But all along there has been Eric. I've always enjoyed spending time with him, the handful of times we've had to get to together in the past two years. When I marched drum corps this last summer, I leaned on him for support and was excited to share my success with him. The thing that had torn us apart was starting to bring us together again. I'll never forget one night during all days (one month of 12 hour rehearsal days) I got to talk to him on the phone for a stretch. I got off the phone after a really good conversation, and Christina (who was my room mate) says simply, "I think you love him." At first I was like, what? No! We're friends. But then I realized, no, I do love him as a friend, but there's something more there. And for the first time since we'd broken up, I thought, "I love Eric Larson."

So what is love? I am a very passionate person. I've learned this particularly in the past year. When I meet someone, I get attached very quickly and I can get deeply emotionally involved. Perhaps it's a flaw, that I love too easily, because it also means that I'm easily hurt. But when I have love for a person, I make sure I tell them. I say "I love you," to my friends every time we talk on the phone, and the same with my parents. I feel that strongly towards you. You mean enough to me that I want you to be aware of it, and you never know when it could be the last phone call, so I always say it. So I love many people. I've known I loved Eric for a long time... but am I in love with him?

When I started dating Matt last semester, I started thinking about Eric a lot. I don't remember what triggered it, but I was. I was thinking about Eric so much that I started to feel bad about dating Matt. I felt like I wasn't being fair to Matt when I felt so strongly about someone else. Ask my room mates, I cried about it a lot. In the end I realized that everything I was thinking about Eric was idealized and that a relationship with him wasn't feasible. I didn't even know if he felt the same way. So why should I give up something great with Matt for an I-don't-know-what with Eric?

Well, Matt didn't work out so well, but that's another story. And it wasn't really until a lot of drum corps stuff started getting brought up that I started to think a lot about Eric again. I mentioned it to him in text and, funny, he had been thinking a lot about me too. He was being an insomniac because things with his girlfriend weren't going to work out. I thought maybe he should be telling his girlfriend this and not me but, ok.

We finally got to talk on the phone for the first time in a long time. Caught up, traded stories and then he asked if he could be serious for a minute. He asked, "When we were dating, did you ever love me?" It was caught in my throat for a minute, the "I still do." that wanted to leap out, but I managed a simple "Yes." And he went on to tell me that the more he'd been thinking about it and the more he'd been talking to friends about it, no other girl has ever matched up to me. He apologized for ending it the way he did and when he did. But the thing that really caught me was when he said, "Looking back, it was my senior year and I let this incredible thing in my life, maybe the most important thing in my life, I just let it go." And I didn't say a lot of things I wanted to because  I don't like having super important conversations over the phone and remember folks, at this time he still has a girlfriend. So the general consensus of the conversation was, "I don't know if we're supposed to be together or not, but there's not really anything we can do about it right now." Yeah, fabulous, right?

So now what? I've had this desire to try things again with Eric for probably over a year now. It's never worked out. I know that the way I felt with him when we dated was unlike the way I've felt with any other guy, ever. Just holding his hand got my heart pounding out of my chest and butterflies fluttering away in my stomach. No one has ever had that affect on me besides him. I still feel like I've known him forever and we can be completely open, except recently about the way I felt. Except now it's kind of out there on both sides. But the thing is, I don't know if that's how I actually feel.

I feel so strongly towards him, sometimes it hurts. My RA and I were talking about love and he said one of the ways he would measure love is to think about the most important thing in your life. Would you give that up for this person? So I thought of Drum Corps, of colorguard, of performing. I thought of the pure passion and ability to let everything out and give up yourself to your performance. Yeah, I would give that up for Eric because that's the way he makes me feel. All on his own, without doing anything.

But in the last two and a half years, we haven't spent more than 20 minutes alone together. He's spent more time with LP than with me. For a long time I thought he didn't really want to be around me, or that he liked LP even. But now I wonder if he was just trying to shut me out because that was easier. That's what I've done with him. I sort of closed off all possibility because that was easier than loving without reciprocation. But now what? I know that I love him, but it's been so long since I've let myself have those kinds of thoughts about him. We're both so different I don't even know what a relationship would be like. So am I in love with him? I don't know. And for some reason I'm deathly afraid to find out.

So the worst part is, we both know now that there might be this possibility that we're supposed to be together, as far out as that might sound, but we have no way to really find out. I can not afford to try and start up a long distance thing with someone I'd have to get to know all over again. I'm trying to not lose my scholarship and I can't afford a distraction like that.

But what if he is the one? What if we don't do anything about it? What if we lose each other?

In some ways I know that would be easier.

We must have faith that the things that are meant to be will happen, just the way they're supposed to. But what am I supposed to do with my heart in the mean time?

I... I don't know if it's me or not. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. How do you react to something like that? Am I supposed to react? Am I supposed to pretend like it's definiately not me and write a response like I normally would? What do you want me to do?

Honestly, here's what I have to say. If it's not me, don't read it.

I don't know if it helps any. I'd like to talk if you want. If what you wrote wasn't aimed at me, please kindly disregard it. For everyone else who doesn't have any idea what I'm talking about, just ignore it.

I don't know if it's really empty. I just feel kind of... maybe empty is the best way to describe it. I don't really want to get up and do anything, but I can't stand sitting here after I took a 2 hour nap today. I just feel like there is so much I want, but nothing I'm ever actually going to get.

I've got great friends, for that I'm so thankful. Nikki's birthday reminded me that friends are sometimes the best thing in the world. If I didn't have those few really close friends, I think I'd pretty much die. I think I really need a girls night soon.

Cute boys are always taken or jerks. I'm so mad at myself for letting all of this get to me as much as it does. He's just a boy. I don't think he's trying to be a jerk, but he really is, and I don't want that to be the way I remember him, because I honestly don't think he is a jerk. Band boys are fun but trouble.

I want to spin, but I just don't fee like it will give me the satisfaction it did last summer. I don't have a sabre, and that's really what I want to practice. Rifle just doesn't have the same satisfaction to it, and I don't feel energized enough to spin flag and work my muscles.

Megan is a goddess and cleaned most of my room. It's not quite done, and I should go finish, but I just can't build up the motivation to do it.

I don't want to watch a movie because that's all I've been doing for this whole summer.

I think I've hit the summer blah. Summer is great until you get to a certain point and then you just feel like going back to being busy.

I don't like this. It's not often I feel depressed, but right now I really do. I think that's what this feeling is...

Or maybe it's just PMS.

To go back to writing really thoughtful things in this journal. So I'm gonna try.

I honestly don't know what I did wrong. I'm obviously doing something wrong. The last four boys I was seriously interested in ended up wanting nothing to do with me. Not nothing exactly, but they didn't want me. For some reason I wasn't good enough. Is that it even?

1) I understand I guess. We sort of just fell apart. We were both changing a lot, and we didn't have the maturity to let the other change and still be together. I could have fought for him I think, but I gave up. That one I blame on immaturity. Honestly, I think we'd be better together now than we were then, but he's happy with someone else, and I'm happy for him.

2) He came out of no where. I wasn't expecting it, I tried to fight it, for goodness sakes one of my friends had already laid claim, and I still won. He fit 8 out of 10 requirements on the stupid little list from junior high. We clicked so well. I'd known him for 2 weeks when we started dating, and we talked like we'd known each other for most of our lives. I felt completely myself with him, and I never had to hold anything back. It was a great month and a half... then he left. I did everything I was supposed to do. I wrote, I visited, I sent care packages, I called. I understood that I wasn't the first or even the second thing on his mind most days, and I was patient when he didn't call for 3 or 4 days. In the end it wasn't enough. I thought for the longest time that I wasn't enough. But looking back, I realize that he never really respected me. I could do better.

3) Oh butterflies. This one was for real, so I thought. New group of friends, our groups were co-mingling. He asked me to Homecoming, the first time I'd ever had a date. We laughed easily and got along great. He was always fun to hang out with. I really thought I had a chance, and then suddenly, I didn't. No sparks, no chemistry from his side. He flat out told me that. I tried sooo hard. I have never had to chase after a guy, and I did everything I could think of. I guess it just comes down to some people, try as they might, just aren't compatible.

4) Oh what a suprise, and I wonder if it was/is a mistake. Again, out of the blue. He doesn't fit everything in the profile, but I've matured past that junior high criteria. Rushed into things faster than I should have. But he was so sweet, he made me feel incredible. He makes me laugh without saying anything and I smile just knowing he's in the room and one aknowledgement makes the whole day better. So what happened? I thought we had a really good time at prom. Why hasn't he called? It's not like he's wondering if I like him. He knows. I don't even know if he likes me though, anymore. The logical part of me is saying "let it go Blair, he graduated, he's being inconsiderate and you shouldn't waste you're time." But the gushy romantic side remembers the sweet things he said and the way it feels when he holds me and hopes that he's just too shy to call. So now what? Do I keep waiting for a call, or do I suck it up and call him? When the whole endeavor started I said to myself "Don't do this Blair, you're going to get hurt." And I am. I have been hurt in the last couple of weeks. I feel like a stupid idiot waiting around for something, anything to happen. But at this point I don't care if I'm going to get hurt. I either get 3 months of fun and companionship and then I get hurt, or I get hurt right now. It's up to him, but I think I'm going to have to just suck it up and call him.

So what's my problem? Maybe it isn't my problem, maybe it's just the boys around here. But with 4 in a row, I can't help but think it must be me. I have deteremined I'm a pretty boring person. I have my passions in life, and I stick to them. If you share those passions, great! If not, I find myself with very little to say. So, goal, become a more interesting person. Read more. Try things I'd never dreamed of doing before. Hang out with new people. Have interesting things to discuss.

I go through these phases. I am so confident that I know who I am and that nothing can touch me. Now, everthing is going as well as it could. Colorguard captain, 33 on the ACT, kept my 4.0, new car, a good group of close friends. So why does it feel like there is something huge missing? Why do I feel like I don't really know who I am anymore?

It's my last summer here. There are so many people I want to see and things I want to do and discover. I can't waste a minute.

Carpe Diem.

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So that appeared at the top of my googlemail inbox. Strange? I thought so.